WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO OF YOUR EX?

divorce Jun 20, 2019

Attachment is part of the human condition.

 

When you were happily attached to your partner, you felt secure. 

Unfortunately, you may not have learned how to let go in the same way you learned to attach.  So, when loss happens, you may not know how to deal with it.

 

Why is breaking up so hard to do?

 

Below are the two primary factors that cause you to hold on when you should let go. 

Loss and the Mourning After

One of the greatest fears about ending a relationship is that you will have to experience feelings that may overwhelm you and that you may never recover.  Many would rather do anything – including holding onto a lifeless relationship - than go through the pain of ending it. 

Grieving the loss of a partnership is not like getting over the flu.  It can take much longer to feel normal again.  Why does it take so long?  

Because love is your security blanket, you want it to last forever, and for it to be your “everything.”  When it is threatened, you do whatever you need to do to hold on.

 

If you are experiencing loss, you need to make a conscious decision to grieve the loss, not to avoid your emotions.

Who am I Without My Partner? 

To the extent that you have a clear sense of who you are, you will manage the letting go process more easily. 

If you looked to your partner to define you, losing them will feel like loss of yourself. 

Consider the following as a barometer of how dependent (or independent) you felt in your partnership:

 

  • You looked to your partner to figure out what you wanted and needed.
  • You felt powerless to make changes in your life so you depended on your partner to succeed.
  • You found it hard to be alone with yourself.
  • You did things to please your partner even when you didn’t want to.
  • You believe you were not good enough.

 

Now is the time to focus on developing your personal power, renewing your self-esteem and learning the necessary requisites for a “divorce-proof” relationship.

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