Divorce Articles

Is There More We Can Do To Help Our Clients Grow and Heal?
by Deborah Hecker, Ph.D.

Introduction

Divorce doesn't end when the papers are signed. While we, the Collaborative practice, provide an invaluable service to our clients, some of the most challenging aspects of divorce appear after the process is completed. Anyone going through a divorce will almost certainly need some help getting back on his or her feet. Preparation and support for the post-divorce stage can help to minimize the damage and aftershocks of divorce and can make the difference between successful divorce recovery and recovery that falters, or worse, fails. As Collaborative practitioners, we can enhance our value to our newly divorced clients by helping them prepare for their lives as single people.

Extending the Collaborative Process to Encompass Post-Divorce Support

The interdisciplinary work of the collaborative team is invaluable to the couple in transition. Collaborative law is a system that recognizes and addresses not only a couple's legal needs but also the special needs and interests of children as well as promotes healthy relationships between the divorcing parties. Unfortunately, once the divorce process ends, the Collaborative team must disband. Although the team may be re-activated at any time to address future concerns in the post-divorce family, the divorced individuals are left to heal and move past the trauma of divorce without the support of Collaborative professionals.

Some clients are so devastated by the end of their marriage or so entrenched in conflict that they have difficulty dealing with the ordinary demands of life. In that confused state, they must make decisions that will affect them and their children for years to come. In an earlier newsletter, I wrote of the inevitability of post-divorce conflict between former spouses, particularly in cases involving co-parenting. While we can assist our clients to resolve their legal, emotional and financial conflicts during the divorce process, it is optimistic to assume that preparation will ensure a conflict-free, smooth functioning adjustment to post-divorce life.

For the sake of their children as well as to facilitate their transition to being single, divorced adults must be willing to examine and reflect on their lives, choices and post-divorce relationships with their former spouses. They must continually self-evaluate their desires and direction. However, change is often accompanied by fear, resistance and inappropriate behaviors. Often, what appear to be self-defeating tactics between the former couple, for example, are truly cries for help in the attempt to cope with the trauma of transitioning from married to single, from the old life to a new one. As Collaborative professionals who share a vision of the family system, our clients will benefit immeasurably if we assist them to navigate this extraordinary life transition from beginning to end with that same vision.

Clients' Post-Divorce Needs

A successful Collaborative divorce does not insure long term post-divorce success. The psychological fallout from divorce is well-documented by the social science literature that has examined the transitions that families face as they restructure. This literature illuminates children's developmental needs, children's attachments to both parents, what factors help both adults and children adjust to post-divorce life and what factors may lead to poor outcomes.

In their book entitled For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered (New York: Norton & Co., 2002), Hetherington and Kelly identify a number of protective factors that can help adults successfully navigate the divorce transition.

These protective factors include:

• Social maturity, which includes the ability to plan, to self-regulate emotions, anxiety, and stress, to be adaptable and flexible, and includes a sense of social responsibility (which builds self-esteem and establishes a nourishing network of others).
• Autonomy, comfort with being alone and with making decisions on one's own.
• Internal locus of control which enables problem-solvers to take personal responsibility.
• Work as a positive “safe haven” for both men and women.
• Social support composed of a few key individuals who help the spouse make the transition from married to divorce.
• A new intimate relationship.

Wallerstein's and Kelly's study of families after divorce, Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce (New York: Basic Books, 1980) itemized the following factors that help children cope with divorce:

• Psychological health of the custodial parent and a good quality parent-child relationship.
• Insulation of children from conflict.
• Good, authoritative parenting.
• Consistent, quality contact with both parents; cooperative co-parenting, when possible.
• Personal attributes that help children cope ? social skills, temperament, competency, and self - esteem.

Given the research results, the following are some essential links that will contribute positively to our clients' attaining successful new lives after divorce.

• Assistance navigating the inevitable post-divorce grief period. Too often, people try to circumvent their painful loss, which can take anywhere from three to five years to complete.
• Assistance to develop a new identity as a single, non-partnered individual.
• Guidance to better manage co-parenting and single parenting issues.
• Help learning to manage money and finances as individuals rather than as part of a couple.
• Assistance with post-divorce social issues.
• Additional help to practice Collaborative skills learned during the divorce process.
• Help with interpersonal conflicts with family members and others.
• Professional input to encourage motivation to change non-productive behaviors and grow as individuals.

Recognizing the post-divorce needs of our clients is the first step towards helping them find the services they need to begin their post-divorce journey.

Conclusions

Despite the prevalence of divorce in our society, there is no divorce model that considers clients' long-term self-interests, whether financial, emotional or parenting-related. Therefore, a key next step by an effective Collaborative divorce team is to refer clients to other Collaborative professionals who will assist them with their post-divorce recovery. This affords the client continuity of services with people who share the same philosophy and sensitivity to the family transition as a whole.

Collaborative professionals provide a unique and innovative approach to divorce. Our value as a team will be enhanced immeasurably by assisting our clients traverse new territory from married to divorced, and helping them face the tasks of re-shaping the nature of their relationship with each other and res-structuring their roles as parents both during as well as after the divorce. I believe it is in our clients' best interests to consider pre and post involvement essential elements in the overall process of successful divorce.

Extending our services to guide clients in the post-divorce adjustment period is an excellent opportunity for the Collaborative community to further differentiate itself from the conventional divorce approach. Continuity and coordination of care post-divorce, encompassing the same goals and philosophy seen in the Collaborative divorce process, will be much more likely to lead to clients' overall health.

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