When dealing with divorce, your inner voice can seem much louder than it has ever been before. It can seem impossible to drown out the constant stream of thoughts that can take you into an emotionally dark place where instead of coping with a divorce and living in the present, you reside in the past or future. Divorce counselors are well aware of this trend among the thoughts of those divorcing and as the experts who have seen this on countless occasions, they are well aware of how best to handle this predicament. We don’t have the ability to turn off our thoughts but we do have the ability to redirect them and these particular things to think about will help alleviate the pain you are experiencing and make your life much easier to be in.
Archive for the ‘Divorce Strategies’ Category
Clever Things to Contemplate When Coping With a Divorce
Understanding the Difference Between Coaching and Divorce Counseling
When faced with the reality of dealing with divorce it has become a reliable choice for many to seek professional help. When examining this option, it’s important to get what is needed and so it becomes vital that a person understand what exactly they want to get from the professional. There is a big difference between a divorce coach and a divorce counselor and once you identify what it is that is difficult for yourself when coping with a divorce, you will be better able to fix the problem.
Divorce Strategies: Dealing with Post-Holiday Letdown
Divorce fears can set in after the holidays.
So you’re going through a divorce and you made it through the holidays, much to your surprise…but now the holidays are over, and you’re still getting divorced. Maybe you expected the sentimentality of the season to take over and facilitate a reconciliation, or perhaps you were just hoping for more civil interaction with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse than you received. Regardless of your expectations, it’s likely that your hopes for the holidays were unmet, and you now have to deal with the situation.
One advantage of experiencing the holiday season as a soon-to-be-single individual is that this is when the divorce often becomes a reality. And that’s another step forward in the process, because investing your time and energy into a relationship that isn’t going to work is not beneficial in terms of your quality of life. Accepting that your marriage truly is over is helpful because it pushes you into the next stage – developing your new life as a single person.
If the holidays have propelled you into accepting your pending divorce, you may be experiencing:
- -Dread of living alone, perhaps for the first time in a long time
- -Fear of the future, especially nervousness over dating and starting a new romantic relationship
- -An understanding of the fact that your soon-to-be-ex-spouse will be creating a new life for her/himself, and that the new life will include new romantic partners
- -Realization that you are going to have to create a life for yourself after your divorce
- -Awareness that if you want to be happy, you are going to have to take charge of your life and find happiness on your own instead of waiting for someone else to provide it
If you’re experiencing these concerns or others related to your divorce, divorce counseling may be the answer. A divorce therapist can help you navigate the new path you’re on with a minimum of difficulty. Divorce counseling will help you learn how to manage new challenges, such as dealing with the realities of a reduced income, and find happiness in spite of these issues. You’ll also confront your emotional baggage and prepare yourself for the new life to come.
In divorce counseling, you’ll discover aspects of yourself you never knew – or that you knew about and had forgotten. You’ll realize that the fear you’ve been dealing with is really apprehension about your freedom – and that independence is going to give you the opportunity to be fulfilled in ways you had not expected. You’ll see that your life is going to be full of possibilities, and that creating your new way of living is going to be about choosing from among those opportunities.
Divorce Strategies: Recovering from Your Identity Crisis
Divorce is not on most people's minds when they take their marriage vows.
“For better or for worse, till death do us part…” Most people who divorce took these vows with every intention of fulfilling them, but for one of many reasons too numerous to list here, are unable to do so. Having taken those vows so seriously, many divorcing individuals suffer tremendous guilt and shame over breaking them, precipitating an identity crisis: If I’m not meant to be married, what is my role in life? Answering this question can take years and is a major aspect of divorce recovery.
Particularly for those who married young and/or who stayed married for many years, finding one’s identity after divorce is a difficult process. Individuals who marry before their mid-20s often find that their sense of self was not fully formed when they repeated their vows. Even people who marry later in life, but who subjugate certain desires and repress parts of themselves in an effort to ensure the success of the marriage, struggle with who they are when they divorce. Getting to know oneself after divorce is a major undertaking that is best accomplished with the guidance of a professional divorce counselor.
The unadulterated freedom that is realized when single status is achieved is often overwhelming to the newly divorced, even if they envied the independence of single friends prior to their divorce. To be happy after divorce, you must learn how to manage your freedom instead of allowing fear of the unknown to consume you. Here, too, a divorce counselor is helpful in terms of pacing yourself and being realistic about your choices.
Some married couples intertwine so completely that one or both partners suffer a complete identity breakdown when divorce occurs. These individuals may experience severe depression and even a feeling of being nothing or not existing outside of the marital relationship. Clearly, this is a severe crisis; it’s at this time that many people who have previously resisted counseling enter therapy. The counselor-client relationship serves to confirm the existence and importance of the newly divorced individual, providing immediate relief for many clients.
It’s also helpful for recently divorced persons who are suffering from an identity crisis to review and learn to value their roles in other parts of their lives: Daughter, son, friend, colleague, sibling, parent. Involving oneself in new activities allows a person to explore different roles: Student, volunteer, blogger, photographer, world traveler. The list is truly endless, and the aforementioned freedom usually allows the individual to try on several new identities before settling on a chosen few on which to concentrate their efforts.
The search for a new identity after divorce is typically difficult, but the corresponding personal growth and development make the effort extremely valuable. Often, individuals find that they would not choose to return to their previous lives even if that option were available. Though their marriages didn’t turn out as they expected, many divorced people find that their new identities are more fulfilling than they could ever have imagined.
Divorce Strategies: Getting Through the Day without Your Other Half
Finding your way through life after divorce can be tough.
In most divorces, one partner wants to leave and goes through the effort to move out and file for divorce, while the other partner does not want and resists the divorce. Regardless of what the person who instigated the divorce wants, how does the person left alone cope with the sudden, and often unexpected, loss of the companion to whom she or he still feels committed?
Not having a partner to “check in with” at the end of each day can be devastating to the partner who is left behind. Although the quality or quantity of personal interactions may have deteriorated in the months or even years leading up to the divorce, the partner who is left may have prized them over having no interaction with any significant other at all.
Married people of both genders are often used to venting their emotions about bad days at work, problems with the children, and other issues to their spouses. But when one partner leaves the other, the “left behind” individual finds that the person who used to listen to their problems is the cause and focus of them. To make matters worse, they no longer have a helpmate for dealing with life’s problems – just at a time when they are coping with divorce, one of the most traumatic life experiences they will probably ever have.
Starting over during a separation and after a divorce is not just about setting up separate households; it is about finding a new person to fill the gap left by the partner who exited the marriage. Frequently, people rush into relationships in an effort to fill this hole in their lives. But this role doesn’t have to be filled with a romantic partner, and often that is not the best course of action. Family and friends, while they may have to take turns if contact is needed on a daily basis, can be a better source of companionship for the newly separated and divorced than a new significant other selected for the sake of convenience.
For those who still feel an emptiness in their lives or whose family and friends don’t rise to the occasion, regular sessions with a professional divorce counselor can help recently separated and divorced individuals solve short-term problems, as well as develop long-term plans for securing a healthy future. Divorce counseling also offers an objective perspective that can be invaluable to individuals struggling with very personal feelings of rejection over being left.
Whatever the outlet, newly divorced and separated people who did not want their marriages to end should seek healthy emotional support during divorce. The struggle to cope with daily existence when the support of a significant other has been withdrawn cannot be overestimated and should not be ignored.
Divorce Strategies: How to Choose a Divorce Attorney
Choosing the right divorce attorney occurs during a difficult time in one's life.
Unfortunately, the decision about which divorce lawyer to hire comes during a highly traumatic and transitional period in a person’s life. Even if you are the one initiating the divorce, your thought processes may be jumbled and confused; choosing a professional to represent you in court may create anxiety and generate more fear about the entire process. If you are the spouse being “left behind,” you may feel as though you are playing catch-up as you search for a good divorce lawyer, placing even more pressure on the decision. But whether you are the one leaving or being left, here are some fundamental tips that can help you choose the right divorce attorney for you.
-Choose an attorney who treats you with respect. A lawyer who keeps you waiting in his office while he chats with an associate, doesn’t return your phone calls, or is dismissive of your concerns will only increase your frustration and tension during an already difficult time.
-If you have children, select an attorney who keeps a level head during custody arguments, which are often heated. The more adversarial your attorney makes the custody battle, the longer your children will be in an unstable situation – and the more fees you will pay. Of course, you can help in this regard by avoiding inflammatory and polarizing statements against your spouse. In all but a very few cases, divorced parents share custody of minor children; given this fact, it’s best to stay sanguine about the process.
-Ask the prospective attorney about her settlement history. Do her divorces often proceed to trial? If so, consider whether or not you want this to occur in your case. Most divorce cases can be settled without the time, stress, and expense of a trial. If your lawyer seems overly litigious, you may be better served by continuing your due diligence.
-Does the attorney you’re interviewing advocate mediation and/or collaborative divorce? These are of particular importance if you have children with your soon-to-be-ex spouse. Like it or not, your relationship with this person will continue in some form or fashion as you continue to share parenting responsibilities. Your children will benefit greatly, both short- and long-term, if you avoid creating additional bitterness and resentment with your spouse as you divorce.
-Once you hire a divorce attorney, keep your own set of notes as you proceed through the divorce. They will help you keep your thoughts straight. Though it’s tempting to confide the details of how you were wronged to your attorney, do so only when it’s necessary and pertinent to your case. Don’t use your attorney as your counselor; share your emotions and fears with your therapist. It will be a better use of your time, money, and energy.
Divorce Strategies: Ten Tips for Taking Care of Yourself
It is important to take good care of yourself when going through divorce.
Many people struggle with taking care of themselves – or even abandon the effort altogether – when going through a divorce. While understandable, this results in a much longer recovery time once the divorce is final. Your mind and body will have to absorb, process, and recover from much more under these circumstances, and doing so will take longer because your body and mind have made so many sacrifices during this time. To avoid a longer recovery period following your divorce, it pays to adhere to the following principles:
-Eat healthy, nutritious foods – Now is not the time to go off your diet, much as your self-destructive tendencies might tempt you to do so. It’s also not the time to go on a low-calorie, restrictive eating plan that will wreak havoc with your blood sugar. Eat small portions of nutritious, healthy foods from all food groups throughout the day to keep your energy up and your blood sugar on an even keel.
-Get plenty of rest – Sleep is highly underrated when humans are under stress. If you are plagued by insomnia, spend time reading magazines and pithy books – don’t involve yourself in anything heavy right before bedtime, including self-help. Resting your body is important, even when your mind is not fully at rest.
-Get plenty of exercise – Moving your body, whether it’s in a strenuous yoga class, while playing basketball with friends, or in simply going for a walk, will help you process your loss in a healthy way. And if you’re having trouble sleeping, regular exercise will help by wearing out your overactive mind.
-Seek support from family and friends – Your family and friends want to offer support, but they may not know how and might do so in a rather awkward fashion. It’s your responsibility to let them know what you need, and you might as well learn how to do so now, since making your needs known will be the key to fulfillment in your new life. If you need an afternoon shopping trip or golf game with no mention of your impending divorce, let your family and friends know – they will be relieved to be assured of offering support in the manner from which you’ll most benefit.
-Get counseling – If you want to make yourself happy once your divorce is final, you need to figure out how to do that. While it’s possible to make these determinations without therapy, many people get stuck, and divorce counseling sessions will help you get there faster – who wouldn’t want that?
-Don’t give in to addictions – Drinking too much alcohol, abusing prescription drugs, and overeating are all tempting during times of trouble. Each offers a temporary respite from your troubles. But these addictions and others are likely to cause even more trouble as you attempt to break free of the depression caused by your divorce. If you don’t invite them in, they can’t take over.
-Be kind to and patient with yourself – Recovering from divorce requires progression through the stages of grief, just as any other loss does. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to “get over it.” You will recover at your own pace.
-Ease back in to life – When you go out on the town, go out with friends you can trust to get you out of dicey situations before you do something you’ll regret. Don’t start dating too soon or leap into a rebound relationship. Take baby steps, and remember, the longer you’ve been out of circulation, the smaller those baby steps should be.
-Try to maintain consistency in other aspects of your life – Don’t quit your job, abandon your friends, or move unless absolutely necessary. You are already facing enough change and will probably have to deal with more, so hold on to what you have. If you are faced with a big decision, take extra time to think things over. Divorce has a tendency to create thinking patterns that are not to the benefit of the thinker, so don’t let anyone talk you in to anything.
-Try something new – Married people often lose touch with themselves in terms of their likes and dislikes. Step outside your comfort zone and take a class in jewelry-making, drumming, or networking. Go back to school. Take up a new sport. Take advantage of this time to get in touch with who you are and celebrate yourself as an independent and unique individual.
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