Archive for the ‘Co-Parenting’ Category

Co-Parenting at Christmas: Keeping the Holidays Merry for Children of Divorce

Can you make Christmas merry for your child when you're co-parenting with your ex?

The holiday season can be a tough time for children of divorcing or divorced parents, especially when their parents haven’t reached an amicable agreement about how to divide the child’s time.  Each parent wants enough time and space to create the “perfect holiday” for and with the kids.  Given that arrangements are likely to be complicated in order to give equal time with the children to both parents, how can divorced parents ensure that their children have a merry Christmas in spite of the chaos?

One way to conceptualize what your children are going through during this time is to imagine the memories they’ll have of the holidays as adults.  Will they remember this as a time of happiness and celebration in which the true meaning of the holiday was never lost, or will their stomachs clench in anticipation of the tension and stress of Christmas even into adulthood?  It’s to your children’s benefit – both now and in the future – if you’re able to come to agreement with your co-parent on ways to keep the holiday season relaxing and fun for them.  In terms of spending time with them, remember that there are 364 other days in the year, and you show them that they’re loved year-round; there’s no need to invest all your emotional energy in one day out of the year.

With all this in mind, here are some ways to keep Christmas merry for your children even as you share custody with a co-parent:

-Maintain a separate identity from your children in terms of your own hopes and expectations for the holiday, seeking divorce support if it seems appropriate.  Make every attempt not to project your feelings onto your children, watching for triggers in your interactions with your ex-spouse.

-Ask your co-parent to work with you on this issue; if you think it will help, show her or him this article.

-Remind each other, and the children, that Christmas is just one day out of 365; you’ll have plenty of opportunity for special days in the coming year.

-Don’t speak negatively of the time your children spend with their co-parent.  Allow them to enjoy being with both parents, separately.

-Refrain from making derogatory remarks about the way your co-parent celebrates Christmas, including gift-giving.  Be patient if your co-parent does something that goes against your gift-giving agreement, at least in front of the children.

-Well before the actual holiday, lead your child through Christmas rituals: Baking cookies, making a gingerbread house, reading the Christmas story, etc.  Don’t try to cram too much ritual into one day, or even worse, into part of a day.

Posted in Co-Parenting, divorce and christmas | 4 Comments »

Trick-or-Treating with Your Ex: Co-Parenting on Halloween

Halloween can be a challenging holiday for divorced co-parents.

Holidays, especially those that are particularly important to their children, can be fraught with emotion and stress for divorced co-parents.  Both parents want to share in their child’s activities and enjoyment of the holiday, but it is often difficult for them to put aside their differences long enough to celebrate together, particularly if the divorce is recent.  Meanwhile, children don’t want their vision of Halloween – what their costume will be, where they will go, which friends they’ll celebrate with, and how much candy they’ll eat – to fall by the wayside because their parents can’t co-parent effectively.  Savvy kids may even manipulate the situation to their advantage, and who could blame them – what could be better than one Halloween but two?

Many co-parents find that it’s more enjoyable to celebrate fall in general terms than to create two Halloweens or try to attend the same trick-or-treating event.  Most communities have numerous fall family-friendly activities.  Attending a fall festival at a church, state park, or local farm allows one co-parent the opportunity to take the children on wagon rides, help them pick out and decorate a pumpkin, let them get their faces painted, and buy them cotton candy without clustering too many stimulating events around one day or weekend.  The other co-parent can handle trick-or-treating, and you can switch off activities next Halloween.

If both co-parents want to participate in the same trick-or-treating event on Halloween, set up boundaries.  Agree ahead of time on who will purchase the child’s costume and accessories.  Maintain an open mind if your co-parent dresses your child in a costume you would not have selected; you can take your turn choosing the costume next year.

Trick-or-treating with a group of other parents and their children takes the pressure off of the divorced couple in terms of making conversation.  It’s also better to trick-or-treat in a structured environment, such as a shopping mall or zoo, than to canvass a neighborhood together.  If you do trick-or-treat with your ex-spouse in a neighborhood, make sure it’s not the one you lived in as a married couple; traversing your old stomping grounds could churn up dormant emotions that result in an uncomfortable evening or even a fight.  Finish the evening in a neutral environment, such as a McDonald’s or Starbucks, if at all possible.

If you and your ex-spouse traditionally fought over the issue of how much candy your child would be allowed to eat on Halloween, you’ll have to set aside your biases in order to keep the peace, since you can’t control what goes on in the other co-parent’s home.  This is in the best interest of your child and will help your child cope with your divorce more effectively.  Try to agree ahead of time, and out of the child’s earshot, on how to handle candy.  One suggestion is for each parent to take home half of what the child collected, so each can ration it out as they see fit in the following days.  As co-parents, establish a guideline that you won’t overwhelm your child with too many activities, too much attention, or too much candy.  There will be other Halloweens and other holidays; in addition to ensuring the best for your child on this one, you and your co-parent will be establishing constructive ways of managing future holidays and special events.

Posted in Co-Parenting | 5 Comments »

Divorce Strategies: Co-Parenting for Back-to-School

Back-to-school issues can be stressful for divorced co-parents and their children.

Co-parenting after divorce is complicated and stressful for many parents – and their children.  Separated and divorced spouses are typically coping with residual feelings of loss and anger, which may spill over when they are together for activities involving their children.  One of these events occurs when children go back to school and both co-parents want to actively participate in their academic lives.

Nearly everyone has heard horror stories of ex-spouses fighting in school hallways over who should bring the child to school, scuffling on the sidelines of their kids’ extracurricular sports events over whose “week” it is, or yelling over the phone at a step-parent who wants to change the time for a scheduled visit.  Children are unwilling witnesses to and even participants in many of these exchanges.  For their children’s sake, it behooves parents to negotiate workable co-parenting arrangements surrounding school and school-related activities, and there’s no better time to do so than when kids are going back to school.

Back-to-school issues co-parents should discuss and agree on parameters for include:

-Enrollment in school-related and extracurricular activities, including payment of fees and transportation. A schedule which allows some degree of flexibility in case of work problems or other minor emergencies is helpful, as is participation in carpools with other parents.  Agree on how to give notice of changes to the schedule as well as acceptable alternatives (for example, paying for an extra hour of after-school care instead of asking for the co-parent to leave work early).

-Parental attendance at school-related and extra-curricular activities. Most co-parents can attend these events together by remembering to keep the best interests of the child in mind during the session.  If co-parents are unable to do this, a mediator or counselor can help them prepare for these meetings, as well as write a contract for how both parents can put aside their acrimony in order to participate effectively in the child’s life.

-Sharing copies of all documentation of events, including back-to-school / meet-the-teacher night, homework, progress reports, report cards, parent-teacher conferences, school performances, school pictures, and names and phone numbers of teachers and activity leaders. It’s helpful to include a folder for the co-parent in the backpack or suitcase the child takes from house to house; parents can send school papers back and forth this way without directly involving the child.

-Agree to give one another the benefit of the doubt, including where step-parents are concerned. Miscommunications and misunderstandings present an issue to be discussed in the next meeting, not an opportunity to mete out punishment by retaliating in kind.  Focus on the problem, not the person, and on the child, not the other parent.

-Parents must realize that by definition, co-parenting means each parent must give up some control over the children’s lives. The other parent might choose another outfit for the first day of school, pay for tennis lessons instead of encouraging the child to play the piano, or tell the child about the birds and the bees when the child is eight years old instead of nine.  Occurrences such as these may frustrate the other parent, but they aren’t likely to make a measurable difference in the child’s life, especially if the objecting parent makes an effort not to overreact to them.

-Co-parents should meet regularly in a calm, neutral environment to address issues that arise throughout the year. Focus on logistics and the child’s needs, not emotional issues.

For parents who are new to co-parenting with an ex or who have had trouble with this issue in the past, August offers an opportunity to get off on the right foot for the new school year.  And co-parents who are successful at negotiating back-to-school matters can be proud of creating a peaceful, structured environment that their children will thrive in and appreciate more and more as they grow into adulthood.

Posted in Co-Parenting | 5 Comments »