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Coping with Christmas after Divorce

Happiness after divorce IS possible - even during the holidays.

Life after divorce is a process of getting to know yourself again (or perhaps for the first time) and learning new ways of being.  The search for happiness is not always an easy one.  One of the most challenging times to be joyous after divorce is during the holidays – a time when everyone expects you to be merry, no matter what your circumstances.

An individual’s connection to her or his spouse and the holiday season has much to do with expectations and roles, which are primarily formed in our families of origin.  If your ex-spouse fit neatly into her or his expected role at Christmas (for example, cooking a big holiday dinner or playing Santa Claus to the kids), it can be doubly hard to let go of that, even if the rest of the marriage was unhappy.  Conversely, if your ex was not willing or able to conform to your expectations of how Christmas should be celebrated, you may be angry about it; you may also be struggling with child-custody issues during the holidays that spring from a lack of understanding between you and your ex.  For example, if your family always attended church together on Christmas morning and your ex, whose family never attended church, refuses to allow your child to go, old resentments can flare up, making it feel as though the divorce just happened.

It is important to realize that part of redefining yourself as a whole person after divorce is coping with the holidays; they are not a bump in the road, but an opportunity.  Your personal development may grow by leaps and bounds during the holiday season, simply because you are faced with so many challenges, both past and present.  Give yourself permission to break with tradition and make changes in your life that suit you and your children better than the old ways.  Seek counseling if you are having trouble with this – you may need guidance on how to let go.

Planning ahead can also help you cope with changes in holiday tradition.  If you and your spouse are capable of civil interaction, meet in a neutral setting, such as a coffee shop, to map out your child’s holiday schedule and anticipate any issues.  Agree not to bad-mouth one another in front of the children, i.e., “You have to go to your father’s for Christmas Eve dinner – I didn’t have any choice in the matter.”  Let your children enjoy their holiday with both parents, separately, without guilt.

Speak to your own family and friends about your Christmas plans and those of your children as well.  Ask for their support in making changes that will help you have a more enjoyable holiday season.  If there’s a holiday tradition you’ve always wanted to try, such as getting up at 4am to go shopping on Black Friday or attending a Christmas-tree lighting ceremony in the park, invite your family and friends to try something new with you.

The process of getting to know yourself again after divorce is not always easy, but it is very worthwhile.  The holidays present an opportunity like no other in terms of your personal growth and development – and that’s something about which you can be joyous.

Posted in Articles, divorce and christmas | 3 Comments »

Divorce Counseling by Telephone: What to Consider

Telephone therapy is an excellent option for individuals dealing with divorce.

Talking to a divorce counselor over the telephone is a wonderful alternative to traditional face-to-face therapy for many individuals who are considering, going through, or recovering from divorce.  It saves time, is convenient, and is less intimidating for many clients.  There are some issues to consider when starting divorce counseling by telephone; many are relevant to all types of counseling, and others are specific to phone counseling.  These tips are designed to help you feel more comfortable with and get the most out of the process.

  • -Look for a counselor who offers a free first session. This getting-to-know-you session will familiarize you with the process and help you decide whether you have a rapport with a particular therapist.  You’ll have a chance to tell the counselor your main reason for seeking therapy and the counselor will be able to offer information about how she will be able to assist you.
  • -Decide how often you will “attend” phone counseling sessions. Many clients begin both telephone and face-to-face counseling with weekly sessions, with more frequent sessions during times of crisis if necessary.  As you recover, you may wish to decrease the frequency of phone counseling sessions, particularly as you near termination of therapy.  Regardless of the frequency, counseling sessions must be attended consistently and regularly for maximum effectiveness.
  • -Ask how long each session will last. The typical length is around one hour for both telephone and in-person therapy.  This timeframe will allow you to relax into each session without lasting so long that it becomes overwhelming.  Some sessions may be tiring, so try to select a time slot that allows you to have a relatively light schedule for a few hours after each session.
  • -Ask how many sessions there will be before a progress review. Divorce counseling isn’t meant to last indefinitely, but some individuals avoid therapy out of fear of becoming dependent on it.  You may feel more comfortable if you schedule regular progress reviews (typically every six to eight weeks) so you and your therapist can discuss what’s working and which issues need more work, as well as set new goals.
  • -Decide how you will obtain privacy for your sessions. This is of greater concern for phone therapy, since the sessions won’t take place in a brick-and-mortar facility.  If you’ll be at work during your sessions and don’t have an office door you can close, you might want to use a conference room, walk outside, or sit in your vehicle.  Be sure that you won’t be interrupted by colleagues (or by children, if you’ll be at home) while you’re on the phone.
  • -What happens if you have a crisis? You may wish to call your counselor at times other than your scheduled appointments; for example, after a particularly heated exchange with your spouse or prior to an anxiety-producing court date.  This is usually an option, but you will experience less consternation if you discuss the possibility with your therapist beforehand.  Be aware that your counselor has appointments with other clients that could delay a return call.

Telephone counseling is a wonderful option for people who are dealing with the trauma of divorce.  These tips will help you get the most you can out of your sessions so you’ll become a healthier, happier person after divorce.

Posted in Articles, divorce counseling | 4 Comments »

Benefits of Telephone Counseling: Getting through Your Divorce

Telephone counseling can be very helpful when an individual is dealing with divorce.

Telephone counseling may seem foreign to some people, whether they’ve been in therapy or not.  But telephone therapy, in the form of crisis counseling, has been available and known to be effective for many years.  Due to busy lifestyles and fear of the unknown, some people avoid getting counseling even in the most difficult of circumstances, including but not limited to divorce.  But therapy can be a critical factor in this type of turning point in terms of helping the divorcing person to successfully transition to singlehood.  Here are some benefits of telephone counseling to consider if you are dealing with a divorce or other momentous life change.

  • Lower intimidation factor: Some individuals are self-conscious about walking into a brick-and-mortar building for therapy, but picking up the phone is not as frightening.  And a reassuring voice on the other end of the line can make a world of difference when you’re struggling with loneliness and loss.
  • Ease of use: Clients who carpool or take public transportation to work don’t have to worry about finding transportation to their therapy appointments if they’re “seeing” a phone counselor.  Likewise, homemakers who share a vehicle with a spouse don’t have to arrange to “borrow the car” for appointments.
  • Convenience: Leaving the office for an in-person counseling appointment means taking an hour off for the session and fighting traffic for the commute to the facility, often leaving clients more stressed when the session is over than when it began.  With telephone counseling, the commute is eliminated; clients can take session calls in their offices, conference rooms, or even on their cell phones outside the building.
  • Flexibility: With phone counseling, there’s no need to postpone therapy appointments; all that’s needed is a private place to talk on your cell phone.  So if you travel for business, have difficulty arranging child care, or just have trouble getting a moment to yourself at home, telephone counseling is ideal.
  • Privacy: It might be difficult to keep face-to-face counseling a secret from your spouse, colleagues, family, and friends if you disappear for several hours each week.  Telephone counseling lets you minimize your time away so you can keep the fact that you’re in therapy a secret for as long as you like.
  • Confidentiality: Your therapist may be a vault, but that might not keep you from feeling nervous about revealing your deepest, darkest secrets to someone who lives and works in your community.  With counseling by telephone, your therapist is unlikely to know or ever meet members in your network.
  • Saving face: Whether inside or outside of a therapeutic environment, it’s difficult for some clients to express feelings of vulnerability and shame in front of a “stranger,” especially if describing those feelings causes tears to flow.  Many clients appreciate the confessional aspect of telephone therapy.    

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