Archive for August, 2010

Divorce Support: Is Collaborative Divorce Right for You?

Collaborative divorce focuses on what is best for the children.

While divorce is usually a simpler, though not easier, process for couples with no children, true divorce – wherein neither party ever sees the other again – is usually impossible for divorcing parents.  Dread of a bitter, angry divorce followed by years of custody battles keeps many couples together and miserable, which many studies indicate is worse for their children than divorce.  However, there is an alternative to the “traditional” acrimonious divorce.  It’s called collaborative divorce, and many couples are finding that it allows them to get on with their lives without destroying their entire families.

The collaborative divorce process acknowledges that divorce is a painful transition that affects the entire family, as well as having a ripple effect on extended family and close friends.  It offers the couple the opportunity to deal with their grief and sadness over the ending of a dream without using displaced anger to express their feelings.  Couples who don’t use the collaborative divorce model often end up severely harming or destroying their relationships with one another and their children, who are often forced to take sides, only to have to mend those fences once the divorce is final and a shared custody arrangement is in place.  Some families never recover from the bitter diatribes and petty – or even violent – actions of one or both parents.  Children of parents who divorce this way often suffer from the effects of these actions in adulthood, carrying unhealthy patterns of behavior and old wounds into their relationships.  Extended family and close friends may also suffer the consequences of learning to “hate” the opposing party during the divorce, even though they will often see them again many times at pivotal events in the children’s lives and at holidays.

In collaborative divorce, each individual is respectful of the other’s personal and psychological space.  For example, one partner is usually more committed to the divorce; however, in collaborative divorce, she or he will not use the other’s pain and vulnerability against that individual.  The focus during the divorce is on making the best possible decisions for the children and on negotiating a fair and proper settlement according to state law.  Couples who could manage this on their own probably would not be divorcing; therefore, it’s important to seek proper divorce support in the form of individual and/or couples counseling, a professional mediator, and an attorney who specializes in collaborative divorce.  The latter is especially important as many attorneys without training in collaborative divorce will view the process as entirely adversarial, even during ostensibly times of compromise such as court-ordered mediation.

Posted in collaborative divorce | 2 Comments »

Divorce Strategies: Ten Tips for Taking Care of Yourself

It is important to take good care of yourself when going through divorce.

Many people struggle with taking care of themselves – or even abandon the effort altogether – when going through a divorce.  While understandable, this results in a much longer recovery time once the divorce is final.  Your mind and body will have to absorb, process, and recover from much more under these circumstances, and doing so will take longer because your body and mind have made so many sacrifices during this time.  To avoid a longer recovery period following your divorce, it pays to adhere to the following principles:

-Eat healthy, nutritious foods – Now is not the time to go off your diet, much as your self-destructive tendencies might tempt you to do so.  It’s also not the time to go on a low-calorie, restrictive eating plan that will wreak havoc with your blood sugar.  Eat small portions of nutritious, healthy foods from all food groups throughout the day to keep your energy up and your blood sugar on an even keel.

-Get plenty of rest – Sleep is highly underrated when humans are under stress.  If you are plagued by insomnia, spend time reading magazines and pithy books – don’t involve yourself in anything heavy right before bedtime, including self-help.  Resting your body is important, even when your mind is not fully at rest.

-Get plenty of exercise – Moving your body, whether it’s in a strenuous yoga class, while playing basketball with friends, or in simply going for a walk, will help you process your loss in a healthy way.  And if you’re having trouble sleeping, regular exercise will help by wearing out your overactive mind.

-Seek support from family and friends – Your family and friends want to offer support, but they may not know how and might do so in a rather awkward fashion.  It’s your responsibility to let them know what you need, and you might as well learn how to do so now, since making your needs known will be the key to fulfillment in your new life.  If you need an afternoon shopping trip or golf game with no mention of your impending divorce, let your family and friends know – they will be relieved to be assured of offering support in the manner from which you’ll most benefit.

-Get counseling – If you want to make yourself happy once your divorce is final, you need to figure out how to do that.  While it’s possible to make these determinations without therapy, many people get stuck, and divorce counseling sessions will help you get there faster – who wouldn’t want that?

-Don’t give in to addictions – Drinking too much alcohol, abusing prescription drugs, and overeating are all tempting during times of trouble.  Each offers a temporary respite from your troubles.  But these addictions and others are likely to cause even more trouble as you attempt to break free of the depression caused by your divorce.  If you don’t invite them in, they can’t take over.

-Be kind to and patient with yourself – Recovering from divorce requires progression through the stages of grief, just as any other loss does.  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to “get over it.”  You will recover at your own pace.

-Ease back in to life – When you go out on the town, go out with friends you can trust to get you out of dicey situations before you do something you’ll regret.  Don’t start dating too soon or leap into a rebound relationship.  Take baby steps, and remember, the longer you’ve been out of circulation, the smaller those baby steps should be.

-Try to maintain consistency in other aspects of your life – Don’t quit your job, abandon your friends, or move unless absolutely necessary.  You are already facing enough change and will probably have to deal with more, so hold on to what you have.  If you are faced with a big decision, take extra time to think things over.  Divorce has a tendency to create thinking patterns that are not to the benefit of the thinker, so don’t let anyone talk you in to anything.

-Try something new – Married people often lose touch with themselves in terms of their likes and dislikes.  Step outside your comfort zone and take a class in jewelry-making, drumming, or networking.  Go back to school.  Take up a new sport.  Take advantage of this time to get in touch with who you are and celebrate yourself as an independent and unique individual.

Posted in Divorce Strategies | 4 Comments »

Divorce Strategies: Your Money or Your Life

Money issues can both cause divorces and, in the current economy, prevent them.

Divorce is becoming increasingly expensive in today’s society, particularly in the current economy.  Attorney’s fees and the cost of setting up two households with a budget that might be stretching to cover one is a complication many people who are considering divorce are experiencing.  Individuals are remaining in unhappy marriages due to financial pressure at unprecedented rates – though the US economy has experienced difficulties in the past, divorce was much less socially acceptable during those hard times and was not the option it is today.

The stress of staying in a marriage in which one feels stifled and miserable is taking its toll on many individuals and their families.  Tempers flare, addictions increase, and fights accelerate.  Tremendous pressure is created for both spouses, whether only one or both wants to separate, and for their children.  This stress may feed into other parts of each person’s life, such as at work and in their friendships.  Added to this pressure is the fact that professional counseling is often forgone due to the necessary investment in time and fees.

Because of the potential for trouble in this heated situation, though, it is very important for one or both parties in a disintegrating marriage to seek professional divorce counseling.  Individuals can tell themselves that the difficult economy is only temporary, but the fact is that months or years of troubled times at home can have lasting effects on family member’s lives.  This is particularly true for children, who may later remember incidents and feelings from these trying times with particular clarity and assign more value to them than their parents expect.

As in the popular metaphor of placing an airflow mask on one’s own face before attending to one’s child on an airline flight in which a sudden decrease in cabin pressure is experienced, parents must provide for their own emotional safety in order to be capable of properly caring for their children.  Stressed, anxious parents who are suffocating in their marriages – who often describe themselves as feeling as if they are “dying” – must care for themselves emotionally and psychologically in order to have energy for their children and the ability to reassure them of a loving and secure future.

In addition to helping themselves and their children through the immediate difficulties of maintaining a household in which one or both members of a couple are desperately unhappy, divorcing individuals and those who hope to divorce must consider their futures.  This seems particularly hard during tough economic times; people are often focused only on ensuring that immediate financial needs are met.  But individuals who are committed to divorcing at some point must plan ahead, and that means putting money aside, establishing their own credit, and investigating their legal options even while they continue to live with their soon-to-be-ex spouses.  A divorce counselor is extremely helpful in this regard, as people considering a life transition such as divorce often struggle with the process of considering what their life as a single person will be like and how they will navigate this new and often unfamiliar terrain.

The recession is causing many individuals to put off divorce until their personal finances and the economy at large improve, but those who intend to divorce when the recession ends simply cannot afford to put their financial and emotional lives on hold until that happens.

Posted in Divorce and Money | 4 Comments »

Can Divorce Counseling Help You Recover from Your Divorce?

Divorce counseling can help you recover from divorce.

Divorce counseling is a big step in an individual’s life, because it makes the divorce, at whatever stage it’s in, a reality.  No one wants to invest time, energy and money in something that won’t work, so it’s important to do your due diligence to determine whether or not divorce therapy is right for you.  Answering these questions will help you decide.

Are you considering divorce, going through a divorce, or recovering from a divorce and:

-paralyzed by fears and uncertainty about the future?

Some individuals dealing with divorce wonder where they are supposed to go from here.  Having expected to fill the role of “spouse” for another person until death did them part, they have trouble envisioning themselves as single persons.  A divorce therapist can help you rediscover yourself and decide how you want your life to proceed after divorce.

-afraid that there is no such thing as life after divorce?

Some people, particularly those who have been married for many years, identify so strongly with themselves in the role of spouse or are so attached to their exes that they truly don’t see any such thing as life after divorce.  A divorce counselor can help you reframe your thinking in terms of possibilities, not losses.

-afraid that you will never be happy again?

In our society, happiness is strongly associated with emotional and financial security, and most marriages offer more of this than the single life does.  Although people can feel lonely in relationships, loneliness is more difficult to dispel as an unmarried person simply by the lack of proximity to another adult.  Money problems can also decrease happiness levels by making newly divorced and separated persons wonder if they were better off in an unhappy marriage than they will be after divorce.  A divorce therapist can help you deal with these fears by encouraging practical changes to lifestyle and budget and helping you rethink your beliefs about money, stability, and their effects on your happiness.

-frightened because this is your first time on your own and you don’t know where to start?

Particularly for those who married young, divorce may mean that they are on their own for the first time in their lives.  These individuals may feel particularly vulnerable as they establish new households.  Divorce counseling can help you ensure your practical and emotional needs are met while offering moral support in this new venture.

-struggling to let go of your spouse to the extent that you worry that there is something wrong with you?

Letting go of someone you once loved is extremely difficult, but some people have trouble doing this to the extent that it interferes in their daily functioning.  This may come up as a range of feelings, from anger and rage to love and longing.  Expressions of the inability to let go can range from all-consuming thoughts of your ex to writing or calling your ex incessantly.  Some people even break the law in an effort to get the attention of an ex.  For example, they may stalk the person or vandalize their property.  Divorce therapy can help you accept the loss of your spouse and let go of the relationship so you can move on with your life.

-fighting feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness?

Divorce can generate feelings of failure that lead to a loss of self-esteem and eventually depression.  Though people recover from these feelings at different paces, some get stuck in this stage and suffer from increasing degrees of self-pity and bitterness that compromise their ability to enjoy life.  A divorce counselor can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and gently challenge you to make the most of your new life.

Posted in divorce counseling | 5 Comments »

Taking the First Step in Divorce Counseling

Counseling is a constructive way of coping with divorce.

Although most people can easily acknowledge that divorce is an incredibly traumatic life event that has a ripple effect on nearly every aspect of the divorcing person’s life, many divorcing individuals still have trouble seeking professional counseling.  While the societal stigma attached to psychotherapy is much diminished, some people struggle with familial or cultural views that hold that seeking counseling is a weakness.  In reality, it is a sign of strength, intelligence, and maturity to learn new and different ways of doing things when the old methods aren’t working.

Individuals going through divorce often find that the coping skills they’ve developed over the years leading up to the event are not sufficient to handle the confusing plethora of intense emotions that accompany separation and divorce.  That realization and the struggle to deal with the situation often leads to behaviors that can be destructive or constructive in nature.  Destructive coping mechanisms include use or alcohol and/or drugs, jumping into inappropriate romantic relationships, and unsafe or even illegal demonstrations of anger.  Constructive coping mechanisms include asking for support from family and friends, getting more exercise, meditating, and seeking counseling.

Attempting to handle divorce alone may make you feel stronger in the short term, but it will almost certainly delay your recovery.  It may also keep you from achieving a new level of psychological and emotional growth that would greatly enhance your life.  Since it’s difficult to see the next step of a journey until you’re actually on the road, taking that first step is all-important.  In the journey of divorce recovery, the first step is calling a counselor for an initial session, which some therapists offer for free.

The first session of divorce counseling is a very easy, non-threatening discussion of your particular situation and what you hope to achieve in therapy.  The counselor will also help you understand the basics of her practice and what you can expect from working with her.  In general, a divorce counselor helps you learn more about your own feelings, thoughts, and desires, which have usually been suppressed in the effort to make the marriage work.  The counselor also teaches you short-term coping skills to manage the overwhelming pain and despair inherit in the end of an important relationship.

As therapy continues, a divorce counselor will help you deal with your emotions as you navigate the legal terrain of divorce.  A side benefit of therapy is that this often helps individuals make better decisions about how to proceed in court.  As you grieve the loss of your marriage and realize that you will survive this event, you will learn how and when to assert yourself and ask for what you want and need.  You will also begin to see the benefits of your new status as a single person.

Newly-acquired singlehood brings up feelings of fear at first, but your single status is also accompanied by a degree of freedom that may be unprecedented in your adult life.  Without counseling, it is often difficult for divorcing people to realize this, because they are out of touch with their unique individual gifts.  Therapy helps you become aware of these qualities and how you can use them to create a happier, more fulfilling life for yourself.

Divorce therapy is not meant to last forever, though you can attend sessions for as long as you feel you need them.  Most people terminate therapy when they arrive at a level of transformation from which they are comfortable proceeding on their own.  The new skills and strengths you have developed will make it possible for you to create a happy, successful, and fulfilling life after divorce.

If you are struggling with divorce now, a happy life may seem impossible, but the first step is only a phone call away.  Call 888-777-3585 to schedule a free initial consultation.

Posted in divorce counseling | 3 Comments »