Archive for July, 2010

Divorce Strategies: Co-Parenting for Back-to-School

Back-to-school issues can be stressful for divorced co-parents and their children.

Co-parenting after divorce is complicated and stressful for many parents – and their children.  Separated and divorced spouses are typically coping with residual feelings of loss and anger, which may spill over when they are together for activities involving their children.  One of these events occurs when children go back to school and both co-parents want to actively participate in their academic lives.

Nearly everyone has heard horror stories of ex-spouses fighting in school hallways over who should bring the child to school, scuffling on the sidelines of their kids’ extracurricular sports events over whose “week” it is, or yelling over the phone at a step-parent who wants to change the time for a scheduled visit.  Children are unwilling witnesses to and even participants in many of these exchanges.  For their children’s sake, it behooves parents to negotiate workable co-parenting arrangements surrounding school and school-related activities, and there’s no better time to do so than when kids are going back to school.

Back-to-school issues co-parents should discuss and agree on parameters for include:

-Enrollment in school-related and extracurricular activities, including payment of fees and transportation. A schedule which allows some degree of flexibility in case of work problems or other minor emergencies is helpful, as is participation in carpools with other parents.  Agree on how to give notice of changes to the schedule as well as acceptable alternatives (for example, paying for an extra hour of after-school care instead of asking for the co-parent to leave work early).

-Parental attendance at school-related and extra-curricular activities. Most co-parents can attend these events together by remembering to keep the best interests of the child in mind during the session.  If co-parents are unable to do this, a mediator or counselor can help them prepare for these meetings, as well as write a contract for how both parents can put aside their acrimony in order to participate effectively in the child’s life.

-Sharing copies of all documentation of events, including back-to-school / meet-the-teacher night, homework, progress reports, report cards, parent-teacher conferences, school performances, school pictures, and names and phone numbers of teachers and activity leaders. It’s helpful to include a folder for the co-parent in the backpack or suitcase the child takes from house to house; parents can send school papers back and forth this way without directly involving the child.

-Agree to give one another the benefit of the doubt, including where step-parents are concerned. Miscommunications and misunderstandings present an issue to be discussed in the next meeting, not an opportunity to mete out punishment by retaliating in kind.  Focus on the problem, not the person, and on the child, not the other parent.

-Parents must realize that by definition, co-parenting means each parent must give up some control over the children’s lives. The other parent might choose another outfit for the first day of school, pay for tennis lessons instead of encouraging the child to play the piano, or tell the child about the birds and the bees when the child is eight years old instead of nine.  Occurrences such as these may frustrate the other parent, but they aren’t likely to make a measurable difference in the child’s life, especially if the objecting parent makes an effort not to overreact to them.

-Co-parents should meet regularly in a calm, neutral environment to address issues that arise throughout the year. Focus on logistics and the child’s needs, not emotional issues.

For parents who are new to co-parenting with an ex or who have had trouble with this issue in the past, August offers an opportunity to get off on the right foot for the new school year.  And co-parents who are successful at negotiating back-to-school matters can be proud of creating a peaceful, structured environment that their children will thrive in and appreciate more and more as they grow into adulthood.

Posted in Co-Parenting | 5 Comments »

Divorce Counseling by Telephone: What to Consider

Telephone therapy is an excellent option for individuals dealing with divorce.

Talking to a divorce counselor over the telephone is a wonderful alternative to traditional face-to-face therapy for many individuals who are considering, going through, or recovering from divorce.  It saves time, is convenient, and is less intimidating for many clients.  There are some issues to consider when starting divorce counseling by telephone; many are relevant to all types of counseling, and others are specific to phone counseling.  These tips are designed to help you feel more comfortable with and get the most out of the process.

  • -Look for a counselor who offers a free first session. This getting-to-know-you session will familiarize you with the process and help you decide whether you have a rapport with a particular therapist.  You’ll have a chance to tell the counselor your main reason for seeking therapy and the counselor will be able to offer information about how she will be able to assist you.
  • -Decide how often you will “attend” phone counseling sessions. Many clients begin both telephone and face-to-face counseling with weekly sessions, with more frequent sessions during times of crisis if necessary.  As you recover, you may wish to decrease the frequency of phone counseling sessions, particularly as you near termination of therapy.  Regardless of the frequency, counseling sessions must be attended consistently and regularly for maximum effectiveness.
  • -Ask how long each session will last. The typical length is around one hour for both telephone and in-person therapy.  This timeframe will allow you to relax into each session without lasting so long that it becomes overwhelming.  Some sessions may be tiring, so try to select a time slot that allows you to have a relatively light schedule for a few hours after each session.
  • -Ask how many sessions there will be before a progress review. Divorce counseling isn’t meant to last indefinitely, but some individuals avoid therapy out of fear of becoming dependent on it.  You may feel more comfortable if you schedule regular progress reviews (typically every six to eight weeks) so you and your therapist can discuss what’s working and which issues need more work, as well as set new goals.
  • -Decide how you will obtain privacy for your sessions. This is of greater concern for phone therapy, since the sessions won’t take place in a brick-and-mortar facility.  If you’ll be at work during your sessions and don’t have an office door you can close, you might want to use a conference room, walk outside, or sit in your vehicle.  Be sure that you won’t be interrupted by colleagues (or by children, if you’ll be at home) while you’re on the phone.
  • -What happens if you have a crisis? You may wish to call your counselor at times other than your scheduled appointments; for example, after a particularly heated exchange with your spouse or prior to an anxiety-producing court date.  This is usually an option, but you will experience less consternation if you discuss the possibility with your therapist beforehand.  Be aware that your counselor has appointments with other clients that could delay a return call.

Telephone counseling is a wonderful option for people who are dealing with the trauma of divorce.  These tips will help you get the most you can out of your sessions so you’ll become a healthier, happier person after divorce.

Posted in Articles, divorce counseling | 4 Comments »

July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month

Parents must put children's needs first when divorcing.

National Child-Centered Divorce month was founded by Rosalind Sedacca to raise awareness of the emotional needs of children of separating and divorcing parents.  This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart and central to my practice, and I’m proud to be a participating expert and a year-round advocate for children.

The focus of my practice is on working with divorcing individuals to help them through the process of emotionally separating from their spouses and going on to lead healthy, fulfilling lives.  If this emotional separation process is not completed, children suffer from the resulting anger and bitterness.  For example, children may:

  • -Hear their parents fighting and rehashing old issues on a regular basis
  • -Be treated as pawns in custody battles
  • -Hear their parents say terrible things to and about one another
  • -Be filled with anxiety and dread when both parents attend birthdays, holidays, and special events in their lives, such as graduations

For too many children, these occurrences become part of their post-divorce lives and persist throughout childhood and into adulthood, even affecting their own children as they attempt to negotiate having both grandparents participate in their children’s lives.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month is an opportunity for divorce professionals to remind parents that no matter the degree of conflict between spouses, the needs of the children should be paramount during and after divorce proceedings.  This is extremely difficult for many divorcing parents because they are caught up in their personal fear, confusion, grief, and anger.  Divorce counseling helps parents work through their feelings, as well as many of the logistical issues of divorce, much faster and more thoroughly, giving parents more energy to devote to their children’s emotional needs.  Specifically:

  • -Having the opportunity to feel heard and understood by a professional who can offer guidance means that parents won’t confide in their children about the divorce, an extremely inappropriate, but unfortunately common, occurrence.
  • -A divorce therapist can counsel parents on the messages their children need to hear, based on age, psychological development, and the changes occurring in the children’s lives, and remind parents not to speak negatively of soon-to-be-ex-spouses in front of the children.
  • -Parents who sort through their emotions with the help of a therapist are better-equipped to make practical decisions in the best interests of their children.
  • -Building parents’ self-esteem makes them feel more hopeful about the future, which they communicate verbally and non-verbally to their children.
  • -Helping individuals co-parent successfully during and after the divorce, even as they move on emotionally and create happy new lives for themselves.

Posted in divorce counseling | 3 Comments »