Developmental stages are replayed in relationships....and divorces

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in many adult lives, but most people have no coping skills for surviving divorce until they actually go through one.  However, the keys for dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood; people develop as newly single persons in ways that are similar to their early development as human beings.  Looking at these similarities, with the help of a counselor if necessary, can help individuals address the psychological issues of divorce, making the transition easier and less painful. 

 The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does with finding effective legal representation.  While divorce attorneys play a vital role in the practical severance of a relationship that is no longer working for one or both parties, they are primarily concerned about division of assets and custody issues.  Though many people mistakenly think they can resolve their emotional issues via the legal system, this is untrue in the vast majority of divorce cases.  Focusing solely on the facts of the case cannot help an individual emotionally separate from her or his soon-to-be-former-spouse. 

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person is similar to a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond.  When a child is born, she does not differentiate between herself and her mother; since she’s dependent on her mother for survival, to do so is unnecessary.  Over time, the child begins to explore her environment under the watchful eye of her mother, and thus begins to experience herself as a separate being.  At this point, the child begins a push-pull phase in which she alternates her efforts between seeking to retain her bond with her mother and establishing her own personhood.  Depending on the mother’s psychological maturity, this process may or may not achieve completeness before the “child” reaches adulthood. 

When two individuals meet and fall in love, they go through a period of intense bonding that is similar to that of an individual to her or his mother.  If both persons are capable of nurturance, the couple fuses on a solid foundation and look to one another for completion and fulfillment.  Trouble starts when individual differences emerge and each partner topples from the pedestal that the other has placed them on; at this stage, disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.  If the couple cannot separate from one another while remaining an emotional connection with healthy conflict resolution, the degree of conflict intensifies, leading to greater emotional distance and eventually, in some couples, to divorce.

The loss of this struggle for closeness and distance can be devastating to one or both parties, depending on the state each was in when the marriage became irretrievably broken.  If one partner still viewed the other as a protector and savior, similar to the role of mother in the infant’s life, the thought of being alone can be truly frightening and even feel life-threatening.  These individuals may be unable to make rational decisions, have trouble viewing the divorce settlement in terms of their own best interests, and even become dependent on convenient substitutes, such as their divorce attorneys.  They may give their individual power over to the attorney in an effort to feel cared for and protected.

But this is the last thing people who are getting divorced should do.  They must let go of fears for their emotional survival and own their newly-gained independence.  If you’re having trouble understanding that this is your life and you should make the decisions, divorce counseling can help.  Dealing with the emotional separation process separately from the legal issues is the best way to ensure that one doesn’t interfere with another.

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