Divorce Support: Is Collaborative Divorce Right for You?

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Collaborative divorce focuses on what is best for the children.

While divorce is usually a simpler, though not easier, process for couples with no children, true divorce – wherein neither party ever sees the other again – is usually impossible for divorcing parents.  Dread of a bitter, angry divorce followed by years of custody battles keeps many couples together and miserable, which many studies indicate is worse for their children than divorce.  However, there is an alternative to the “traditional” acrimonious divorce.  It’s called collaborative divorce, and many couples are finding that it allows them to get on with their lives without destroying their entire families.

The collaborative divorce process acknowledges that divorce is a painful transition that affects the entire family, as well as having a ripple effect on extended family and close friends.  It offers the couple the opportunity to deal with their grief and sadness over the ending of a dream without using displaced anger to express their feelings.  Couples who don’t use the collaborative divorce model often end up severely harming or destroying their relationships with one another and their children, who are often forced to take sides, only to have to mend those fences once the divorce is final and a shared custody arrangement is in place.  Some families never recover from the bitter diatribes and petty – or even violent – actions of one or both parents.  Children of parents who divorce this way often suffer from the effects of these actions in adulthood, carrying unhealthy patterns of behavior and old wounds into their relationships.  Extended family and close friends may also suffer the consequences of learning to “hate” the opposing party during the divorce, even though they will often see them again many times at pivotal events in the children’s lives and at holidays.

In collaborative divorce, each individual is respectful of the other’s personal and psychological space.  For example, one partner is usually more committed to the divorce; however, in collaborative divorce, she or he will not use the other’s pain and vulnerability against that individual.  The focus during the divorce is on making the best possible decisions for the children and on negotiating a fair and proper settlement according to state law.  Couples who could manage this on their own probably would not be divorcing; therefore, it’s important to seek proper divorce support in the form of individual and/or couples counseling, a professional mediator, and an attorney who specializes in collaborative divorce.  The latter is especially important as many attorneys without training in collaborative divorce will view the process as entirely adversarial, even during ostensibly times of compromise such as court-ordered mediation.

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Divorce Strategies: Ten Tips for Taking Care of Yourself

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

It is important to take good care of yourself when going through divorce.

Many people struggle with taking care of themselves – or even abandon the effort altogether – when going through a divorce.  While understandable, this results in a much longer recovery time once the divorce is final.  Your mind and body will have to absorb, process, and recover from much more under these circumstances, and doing so will take longer because your body and mind have made so many sacrifices during this time.  To avoid a longer recovery period following your divorce, it pays to adhere to the following principles:

-Eat healthy, nutritious foods – Now is not the time to go off your diet, much as your self-destructive tendencies might tempt you to do so.  It’s also not the time to go on a low-calorie, restrictive eating plan that will wreak havoc with your blood sugar.  Eat small portions of nutritious, healthy foods from all food groups throughout the day to keep your energy up and your blood sugar on an even keel.

-Get plenty of rest – Sleep is highly underrated when humans are under stress.  If you are plagued by insomnia, spend time reading magazines and pithy books – don’t involve yourself in anything heavy right before bedtime, including self-help.  Resting your body is important, even when your mind is not fully at rest.

-Get plenty of exercise – Moving your body, whether it’s in a strenuous yoga class, while playing basketball with friends, or in simply going for a walk, will help you process your loss in a healthy way.  And if you’re having trouble sleeping, regular exercise will help by wearing out your overactive mind.

-Seek support from family and friends – Your family and friends want to offer support, but they may not know how and might do so in a rather awkward fashion.  It’s your responsibility to let them know what you need, and you might as well learn how to do so now, since making your needs known will be the key to fulfillment in your new life.  If you need an afternoon shopping trip or golf game with no mention of your impending divorce, let your family and friends know – they will be relieved to be assured of offering support in the manner from which you’ll most benefit.

-Get counseling – If you want to make yourself happy once your divorce is final, you need to figure out how to do that.  While it’s possible to make these determinations without therapy, many people get stuck, and divorce counseling sessions will help you get there faster – who wouldn’t want that?

-Don’t give in to addictions – Drinking too much alcohol, abusing prescription drugs, and overeating are all tempting during times of trouble.  Each offers a temporary respite from your troubles.  But these addictions and others are likely to cause even more trouble as you attempt to break free of the depression caused by your divorce.  If you don’t invite them in, they can’t take over.

-Be kind to and patient with yourself – Recovering from divorce requires progression through the stages of grief, just as any other loss does.  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to “get over it.”  You will recover at your own pace.

-Ease back in to life – When you go out on the town, go out with friends you can trust to get you out of dicey situations before you do something you’ll regret.  Don’t start dating too soon or leap into a rebound relationship.  Take baby steps, and remember, the longer you’ve been out of circulation, the smaller those baby steps should be.

-Try to maintain consistency in other aspects of your life – Don’t quit your job, abandon your friends, or move unless absolutely necessary.  You are already facing enough change and will probably have to deal with more, so hold on to what you have.  If you are faced with a big decision, take extra time to think things over.  Divorce has a tendency to create thinking patterns that are not to the benefit of the thinker, so don’t let anyone talk you in to anything.

-Try something new – Married people often lose touch with themselves in terms of their likes and dislikes.  Step outside your comfort zone and take a class in jewelry-making, drumming, or networking.  Go back to school.  Take up a new sport.  Take advantage of this time to get in touch with who you are and celebrate yourself as an independent and unique individual.

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Divorce Strategies: Your Money or Your Life

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Money issues can both cause divorces and, in the current economy, prevent them.

Divorce is becoming increasingly expensive in today’s society, particularly in the current economy.  Attorney’s fees and the cost of setting up two households with a budget that might be stretching to cover one is a complication many people who are considering divorce are experiencing.  Individuals are remaining in unhappy marriages due to financial pressure at unprecedented rates – though the US economy has experienced difficulties in the past, divorce was much less socially acceptable during those hard times and was not the option it is today.

The stress of staying in a marriage in which one feels stifled and miserable is taking its toll on many individuals and their families.  Tempers flare, addictions increase, and fights accelerate.  Tremendous pressure is created for both spouses, whether only one or both wants to separate, and for their children.  This stress may feed into other parts of each person’s life, such as at work and in their friendships.  Added to this pressure is the fact that professional counseling is often forgone due to the necessary investment in time and fees.

Because of the potential for trouble in this heated situation, though, it is very important for one or both parties in a disintegrating marriage to seek professional divorce counseling.  Individuals can tell themselves that the difficult economy is only temporary, but the fact is that months or years of troubled times at home can have lasting effects on family member’s lives.  This is particularly true for children, who may later remember incidents and feelings from these trying times with particular clarity and assign more value to them than their parents expect.

As in the popular metaphor of placing an airflow mask on one’s own face before attending to one’s child on an airline flight in which a sudden decrease in cabin pressure is experienced, parents must provide for their own emotional safety in order to be capable of properly caring for their children.  Stressed, anxious parents who are suffocating in their marriages – who often describe themselves as feeling as if they are “dying” – must care for themselves emotionally and psychologically in order to have energy for their children and the ability to reassure them of a loving and secure future.

In addition to helping themselves and their children through the immediate difficulties of maintaining a household in which one or both members of a couple are desperately unhappy, divorcing individuals and those who hope to divorce must consider their futures.  This seems particularly hard during tough economic times; people are often focused only on ensuring that immediate financial needs are met.  But individuals who are committed to divorcing at some point must plan ahead, and that means putting money aside, establishing their own credit, and investigating their legal options even while they continue to live with their soon-to-be-ex spouses.  A divorce counselor is extremely helpful in this regard, as people considering a life transition such as divorce often struggle with the process of considering what their life as a single person will be like and how they will navigate this new and often unfamiliar terrain.

The recession is causing many individuals to put off divorce until their personal finances and the economy at large improve, but those who intend to divorce when the recession ends simply cannot afford to put their financial and emotional lives on hold until that happens.

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Can Divorce Counseling Help You Recover from Your Divorce?

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Divorce counseling can help you recover from divorce.

Divorce counseling is a big step in an individual’s life, because it makes the divorce, at whatever stage it’s in, a reality.  No one wants to invest time, energy and money in something that won’t work, so it’s important to do your due diligence to determine whether or not divorce therapy is right for you.  Answering these questions will help you decide.

Are you considering divorce, going through a divorce, or recovering from a divorce and:

-paralyzed by fears and uncertainty about the future?

Some individuals dealing with divorce wonder where they are supposed to go from here.  Having expected to fill the role of “spouse” for another person until death did them part, they have trouble envisioning themselves as single persons.  A divorce therapist can help you rediscover yourself and decide how you want your life to proceed after divorce.

-afraid that there is no such thing as life after divorce?

Some people, particularly those who have been married for many years, identify so strongly with themselves in the role of spouse or are so attached to their exes that they truly don’t see any such thing as life after divorce.  A divorce counselor can help you reframe your thinking in terms of possibilities, not losses.

-afraid that you will never be happy again?

In our society, happiness is strongly associated with emotional and financial security, and most marriages offer more of this than the single life does.  Although people can feel lonely in relationships, loneliness is more difficult to dispel as an unmarried person simply by the lack of proximity to another adult.  Money problems can also decrease happiness levels by making newly divorced and separated persons wonder if they were better off in an unhappy marriage than they will be after divorce.  A divorce therapist can help you deal with these fears by encouraging practical changes to lifestyle and budget and helping you rethink your beliefs about money, stability, and their effects on your happiness.

-frightened because this is your first time on your own and you don’t know where to start?

Particularly for those who married young, divorce may mean that they are on their own for the first time in their lives.  These individuals may feel particularly vulnerable as they establish new households.  Divorce counseling can help you ensure your practical and emotional needs are met while offering moral support in this new venture.

-struggling to let go of your spouse to the extent that you worry that there is something wrong with you?

Letting go of someone you once loved is extremely difficult, but some people have trouble doing this to the extent that it interferes in their daily functioning.  This may come up as a range of feelings, from anger and rage to love and longing.  Expressions of the inability to let go can range from all-consuming thoughts of your ex to writing or calling your ex incessantly.  Some people even break the law in an effort to get the attention of an ex.  For example, they may stalk the person or vandalize their property.  Divorce therapy can help you accept the loss of your spouse and let go of the relationship so you can move on with your life.

-fighting feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness?

Divorce can generate feelings of failure that lead to a loss of self-esteem and eventually depression.  Though people recover from these feelings at different paces, some get stuck in this stage and suffer from increasing degrees of self-pity and bitterness that compromise their ability to enjoy life.  A divorce counselor can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and gently challenge you to make the most of your new life.

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Taking the First Step in Divorce Counseling

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Counseling is a constructive way of coping with divorce.

Although most people can easily acknowledge that divorce is an incredibly traumatic life event that has a ripple effect on nearly every aspect of the divorcing person’s life, many divorcing individuals still have trouble seeking professional counseling.  While the societal stigma attached to psychotherapy is much diminished, some people struggle with familial or cultural views that hold that seeking counseling is a weakness.  In reality, it is a sign of strength, intelligence, and maturity to learn new and different ways of doing things when the old methods aren’t working.

Individuals going through divorce often find that the coping skills they’ve developed over the years leading up to the event are not sufficient to handle the confusing plethora of intense emotions that accompany separation and divorce.  That realization and the struggle to deal with the situation often leads to behaviors that can be destructive or constructive in nature.  Destructive coping mechanisms include use or alcohol and/or drugs, jumping into inappropriate romantic relationships, and unsafe or even illegal demonstrations of anger.  Constructive coping mechanisms include asking for support from family and friends, getting more exercise, meditating, and seeking counseling.

Attempting to handle divorce alone may make you feel stronger in the short term, but it will almost certainly delay your recovery.  It may also keep you from achieving a new level of psychological and emotional growth that would greatly enhance your life.  Since it’s difficult to see the next step of a journey until you’re actually on the road, taking that first step is all-important.  In the journey of divorce recovery, the first step is calling a counselor for an initial session, which some therapists offer for free.

The first session of divorce counseling is a very easy, non-threatening discussion of your particular situation and what you hope to achieve in therapy.  The counselor will also help you understand the basics of her practice and what you can expect from working with her.  In general, a divorce counselor helps you learn more about your own feelings, thoughts, and desires, which have usually been suppressed in the effort to make the marriage work.  The counselor also teaches you short-term coping skills to manage the overwhelming pain and despair inherit in the end of an important relationship.

As therapy continues, a divorce counselor will help you deal with your emotions as you navigate the legal terrain of divorce.  A side benefit of therapy is that this often helps individuals make better decisions about how to proceed in court.  As you grieve the loss of your marriage and realize that you will survive this event, you will learn how and when to assert yourself and ask for what you want and need.  You will also begin to see the benefits of your new status as a single person.

Newly-acquired singlehood brings up feelings of fear at first, but your single status is also accompanied by a degree of freedom that may be unprecedented in your adult life.  Without counseling, it is often difficult for divorcing people to realize this, because they are out of touch with their unique individual gifts.  Therapy helps you become aware of these qualities and how you can use them to create a happier, more fulfilling life for yourself.

Divorce therapy is not meant to last forever, though you can attend sessions for as long as you feel you need them.  Most people terminate therapy when they arrive at a level of transformation from which they are comfortable proceeding on their own.  The new skills and strengths you have developed will make it possible for you to create a happy, successful, and fulfilling life after divorce.

If you are struggling with divorce now, a happy life may seem impossible, but the first step is only a phone call away.  Call 888-777-3585 to schedule a free initial consultation.

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Divorce Strategies: Co-Parenting for Back-to-School

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Back-to-school issues can be stressful for divorced co-parents and their children.

Co-parenting after divorce is complicated and stressful for many parents – and their children.  Separated and divorced spouses are typically coping with residual feelings of loss and anger, which may spill over when they are together for activities involving their children.  One of these events occurs when children go back to school and both co-parents want to actively participate in their academic lives.

Nearly everyone has heard horror stories of ex-spouses fighting in school hallways over who should bring the child to school, scuffling on the sidelines of their kids’ extracurricular sports events over whose “week” it is, or yelling over the phone at a step-parent who wants to change the time for a scheduled visit.  Children are unwilling witnesses to and even participants in many of these exchanges.  For their children’s sake, it behooves parents to negotiate workable co-parenting arrangements surrounding school and school-related activities, and there’s no better time to do so than when kids are going back to school.

Back-to-school issues co-parents should discuss and agree on parameters for include:

-Enrollment in school-related and extracurricular activities, including payment of fees and transportation. A schedule which allows some degree of flexibility in case of work problems or other minor emergencies is helpful, as is participation in carpools with other parents.  Agree on how to give notice of changes to the schedule as well as acceptable alternatives (for example, paying for an extra hour of after-school care instead of asking for the co-parent to leave work early).

-Parental attendance at school-related and extra-curricular activities. Most co-parents can attend these events together by remembering to keep the best interests of the child in mind during the session.  If co-parents are unable to do this, a mediator or counselor can help them prepare for these meetings, as well as write a contract for how both parents can put aside their acrimony in order to participate effectively in the child’s life.

-Sharing copies of all documentation of events, including back-to-school / meet-the-teacher night, homework, progress reports, report cards, parent-teacher conferences, school performances, school pictures, and names and phone numbers of teachers and activity leaders. It’s helpful to include a folder for the co-parent in the backpack or suitcase the child takes from house to house; parents can send school papers back and forth this way without directly involving the child.

-Agree to give one another the benefit of the doubt, including where step-parents are concerned. Miscommunications and misunderstandings present an issue to be discussed in the next meeting, not an opportunity to mete out punishment by retaliating in kind.  Focus on the problem, not the person, and on the child, not the other parent.

-Parents must realize that by definition, co-parenting means each parent must give up some control over the children’s lives. The other parent might choose another outfit for the first day of school, pay for tennis lessons instead of encouraging the child to play the piano, or tell the child about the birds and the bees when the child is eight years old instead of nine.  Occurrences such as these may frustrate the other parent, but they aren’t likely to make a measurable difference in the child’s life, especially if the objecting parent makes an effort not to overreact to them.

-Co-parents should meet regularly in a calm, neutral environment to address issues that arise throughout the year. Focus on logistics and the child’s needs, not emotional issues.

For parents who are new to co-parenting with an ex or who have had trouble with this issue in the past, August offers an opportunity to get off on the right foot for the new school year.  And co-parents who are successful at negotiating back-to-school matters can be proud of creating a peaceful, structured environment that their children will thrive in and appreciate more and more as they grow into adulthood.

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Divorce Counseling by Telephone: What to Consider

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Telephone therapy is an excellent option for individuals dealing with divorce.

Talking to a divorce counselor over the telephone is a wonderful alternative to traditional face-to-face therapy for many individuals who are considering, going through, or recovering from divorce.  It saves time, is convenient, and is less intimidating for many clients.  There are some issues to consider when starting divorce counseling by telephone; many are relevant to all types of counseling, and others are specific to phone counseling.  These tips are designed to help you feel more comfortable with and get the most out of the process.

  • -Look for a counselor who offers a free first session. This getting-to-know-you session will familiarize you with the process and help you decide whether you have a rapport with a particular therapist.  You’ll have a chance to tell the counselor your main reason for seeking therapy and the counselor will be able to offer information about how she will be able to assist you.
  • -Decide how often you will “attend” phone counseling sessions. Many clients begin both telephone and face-to-face counseling with weekly sessions, with more frequent sessions during times of crisis if necessary.  As you recover, you may wish to decrease the frequency of phone counseling sessions, particularly as you near termination of therapy.  Regardless of the frequency, counseling sessions must be attended consistently and regularly for maximum effectiveness.
  • -Ask how long each session will last. The typical length is around one hour for both telephone and in-person therapy.  This timeframe will allow you to relax into each session without lasting so long that it becomes overwhelming.  Some sessions may be tiring, so try to select a time slot that allows you to have a relatively light schedule for a few hours after each session.
  • -Ask how many sessions there will be before a progress review. Divorce counseling isn’t meant to last indefinitely, but some individuals avoid therapy out of fear of becoming dependent on it.  You may feel more comfortable if you schedule regular progress reviews (typically every six to eight weeks) so you and your therapist can discuss what’s working and which issues need more work, as well as set new goals.
  • -Decide how you will obtain privacy for your sessions. This is of greater concern for phone therapy, since the sessions won’t take place in a brick-and-mortar facility.  If you’ll be at work during your sessions and don’t have an office door you can close, you might want to use a conference room, walk outside, or sit in your vehicle.  Be sure that you won’t be interrupted by colleagues (or by children, if you’ll be at home) while you’re on the phone.
  • -What happens if you have a crisis? You may wish to call your counselor at times other than your scheduled appointments; for example, after a particularly heated exchange with your spouse or prior to an anxiety-producing court date.  This is usually an option, but you will experience less consternation if you discuss the possibility with your therapist beforehand.  Be aware that your counselor has appointments with other clients that could delay a return call.

Telephone counseling is a wonderful option for people who are dealing with the trauma of divorce.  These tips will help you get the most you can out of your sessions so you’ll become a healthier, happier person after divorce.

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July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Parents must put children's needs first when divorcing.

National Child-Centered Divorce month was founded by Rosalind Sedacca to raise awareness of the emotional needs of children of separating and divorcing parents.  This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart and central to my practice, and I’m proud to be a participating expert and a year-round advocate for children.

The focus of my practice is on working with divorcing individuals to help them through the process of emotionally separating from their spouses and going on to lead healthy, fulfilling lives.  If this emotional separation process is not completed, children suffer from the resulting anger and bitterness.  For example, children may:

  • -Hear their parents fighting and rehashing old issues on a regular basis
  • -Be treated as pawns in custody battles
  • -Hear their parents say terrible things to and about one another
  • -Be filled with anxiety and dread when both parents attend birthdays, holidays, and special events in their lives, such as graduations

For too many children, these occurrences become part of their post-divorce lives and persist throughout childhood and into adulthood, even affecting their own children as they attempt to negotiate having both grandparents participate in their children’s lives.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month is an opportunity for divorce professionals to remind parents that no matter the degree of conflict between spouses, the needs of the children should be paramount during and after divorce proceedings.  This is extremely difficult for many divorcing parents because they are caught up in their personal fear, confusion, grief, and anger.  Divorce counseling helps parents work through their feelings, as well as many of the logistical issues of divorce, much faster and more thoroughly, giving parents more energy to devote to their children’s emotional needs.  Specifically:

  • -Having the opportunity to feel heard and understood by a professional who can offer guidance means that parents won’t confide in their children about the divorce, an extremely inappropriate, but unfortunately common, occurrence.
  • -A divorce therapist can counsel parents on the messages their children need to hear, based on age, psychological development, and the changes occurring in the children’s lives, and remind parents not to speak negatively of soon-to-be-ex-spouses in front of the children.
  • -Parents who sort through their emotions with the help of a therapist are better-equipped to make practical decisions in the best interests of their children.
  • -Building parents’ self-esteem makes them feel more hopeful about the future, which they communicate verbally and non-verbally to their children.
  • -Helping individuals co-parent successfully during and after the divorce, even as they move on emotionally and create happy new lives for themselves.

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Benefits of Telephone Counseling: Getting through Your Divorce

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Telephone counseling can be very helpful when an individual is dealing with divorce.

Telephone counseling may seem foreign to some people, whether they’ve been in therapy or not.  But telephone therapy, in the form of crisis counseling, has been available and known to be effective for many years.  Due to busy lifestyles and fear of the unknown, some people avoid getting counseling even in the most difficult of circumstances, including but not limited to divorce.  But therapy can be a critical factor in this type of turning point in terms of helping the divorcing person to successfully transition to singlehood.  Here are some benefits of telephone counseling to consider if you are dealing with a divorce or other momentous life change.

  • Lower intimidation factor: Some individuals are self-conscious about walking into a brick-and-mortar building for therapy, but picking up the phone is not as frightening.  And a reassuring voice on the other end of the line can make a world of difference when you’re struggling with loneliness and loss.
  • Ease of use: Clients who carpool or take public transportation to work don’t have to worry about finding transportation to their therapy appointments if they’re “seeing” a phone counselor.  Likewise, homemakers who share a vehicle with a spouse don’t have to arrange to “borrow the car” for appointments.
  • Convenience: Leaving the office for an in-person counseling appointment means taking an hour off for the session and fighting traffic for the commute to the facility, often leaving clients more stressed when the session is over than when it began.  With telephone counseling, the commute is eliminated; clients can take session calls in their offices, conference rooms, or even on their cell phones outside the building.
  • Flexibility: With phone counseling, there’s no need to postpone therapy appointments; all that’s needed is a private place to talk on your cell phone.  So if you travel for business, have difficulty arranging child care, or just have trouble getting a moment to yourself at home, telephone counseling is ideal.
  • Privacy: It might be difficult to keep face-to-face counseling a secret from your spouse, colleagues, family, and friends if you disappear for several hours each week.  Telephone counseling lets you minimize your time away so you can keep the fact that you’re in therapy a secret for as long as you like.
  • Confidentiality: Your therapist may be a vault, but that might not keep you from feeling nervous about revealing your deepest, darkest secrets to someone who lives and works in your community.  With counseling by telephone, your therapist is unlikely to know or ever meet members in your network.
  • Saving face: Whether inside or outside of a therapeutic environment, it’s difficult for some clients to express feelings of vulnerability and shame in front of a “stranger,” especially if describing those feelings causes tears to flow.  Many clients appreciate the confessional aspect of telephone therapy.    

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How to Survive Divorce

by Dr. Deborah Hecker

Developmental stages are replayed in relationships....and divorces

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in many adult lives, but most people have no coping skills for surviving divorce until they actually go through one.  However, the keys for dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood; people develop as newly single persons in ways that are similar to their early development as human beings.  Looking at these similarities, with the help of a counselor if necessary, can help individuals address the psychological issues of divorce, making the transition easier and less painful. 

 The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does with finding effective legal representation.  While divorce attorneys play a vital role in the practical severance of a relationship that is no longer working for one or both parties, they are primarily concerned about division of assets and custody issues.  Though many people mistakenly think they can resolve their emotional issues via the legal system, this is untrue in the vast majority of divorce cases.  Focusing solely on the facts of the case cannot help an individual emotionally separate from her or his soon-to-be-former-spouse. 

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person is similar to a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond.  When a child is born, she does not differentiate between herself and her mother; since she’s dependent on her mother for survival, to do so is unnecessary.  Over time, the child begins to explore her environment under the watchful eye of her mother, and thus begins to experience herself as a separate being.  At this point, the child begins a push-pull phase in which she alternates her efforts between seeking to retain her bond with her mother and establishing her own personhood.  Depending on the mother’s psychological maturity, this process may or may not achieve completeness before the “child” reaches adulthood. 

When two individuals meet and fall in love, they go through a period of intense bonding that is similar to that of an individual to her or his mother.  If both persons are capable of nurturance, the couple fuses on a solid foundation and look to one another for completion and fulfillment.  Trouble starts when individual differences emerge and each partner topples from the pedestal that the other has placed them on; at this stage, disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.  If the couple cannot separate from one another while remaining an emotional connection with healthy conflict resolution, the degree of conflict intensifies, leading to greater emotional distance and eventually, in some couples, to divorce.

The loss of this struggle for closeness and distance can be devastating to one or both parties, depending on the state each was in when the marriage became irretrievably broken.  If one partner still viewed the other as a protector and savior, similar to the role of mother in the infant’s life, the thought of being alone can be truly frightening and even feel life-threatening.  These individuals may be unable to make rational decisions, have trouble viewing the divorce settlement in terms of their own best interests, and even become dependent on convenient substitutes, such as their divorce attorneys.  They may give their individual power over to the attorney in an effort to feel cared for and protected.

But this is the last thing people who are getting divorced should do.  They must let go of fears for their emotional survival and own their newly-gained independence.  If you’re having trouble understanding that this is your life and you should make the decisions, divorce counseling can help.  Dealing with the emotional separation process separately from the legal issues is the best way to ensure that one doesn’t interfere with another.

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