While divorce is usually a simpler, though not easier, process for couples with no children, true divorce – wherein neither party ever sees the other again – is usually impossible for divorcing parents. Dread of a bitter, angry divorce followed by years of custody battles keeps many couples together and miserable, which many studies indicate is worse for their children than divorce. However, there is an alternative to the “traditional” acrimonious divorce. It’s called collaborative divorce, and many couples are finding that it allows them to get on with their lives without destroying their entire families.
The collaborative divorce process acknowledges that divorce is a painful transition that affects the entire family, as well as having a ripple effect on extended family and close friends. It offers the couple the opportunity to deal with their grief and sadness over the ending of a dream without using displaced anger to express their feelings. Couples who don’t use the collaborative divorce model often end up severely harming or destroying their relationships with one another and their children, who are often forced to take sides, only to have to mend those fences once the divorce is final and a shared custody arrangement is in place. Some families never recover from the bitter diatribes and petty – or even violent – actions of one or both parents. Children of parents who divorce this way often suffer from the effects of these actions in adulthood, carrying unhealthy patterns of behavior and old wounds into their relationships. Extended family and close friends may also suffer the consequences of learning to “hate” the opposing party during the divorce, even though they will often see them again many times at pivotal events in the children’s lives and at holidays.
In collaborative divorce, each individual is respectful of the other’s personal and psychological space. For example, one partner is usually more committed to the divorce; however, in collaborative divorce, she or he will not use the other’s pain and vulnerability against that individual. The focus during the divorce is on making the best possible decisions for the children and on negotiating a fair and proper settlement according to state law. Couples who could manage this on their own probably would not be divorcing; therefore, it’s important to seek proper divorce support in the form of individual and/or couples counseling, a professional mediator, and an attorney who specializes in collaborative divorce. The latter is especially important as many attorneys without training in collaborative divorce will view the process as entirely adversarial, even during ostensibly times of compromise such as court-ordered mediation.









